It's Only Natural

 Much like the delectable scent produced by Ryazan’s premium plasma-TV factories and oil refineries, many things here are now just natural.

For example, it’s only natural that when I come to work the floors will be flooded and the power only works in one room. And since that one room is not the bathroom, it’s only natural that we have to pee by the light of a candle.

It’s only natural that in a town of about 520,000 people we run into the same guy literally everywhere who, regardless of whether or not we invite him to tag along (and we never do), he somehow ends up spending the day trying to make awkward conversation with us.

Further, it’s only natural that if you smile and laugh too much while a Russian is telling a story, they get really insecure and tell you to stop being so cruel.

It’s only natural that what Russians consider a “private” spot to change into your swimsuit on the beach is really just the frame of an old bus stop covering inhabited by drunken speedo-donning old men who can’t tell the difference between English, German, and let’s be honest, probably their own two feet.

It’s only natural to be teaching a lesson and have the school’s resident stray cat come in, pat your students down for food, find none, and in retribution sit on top of your open books, refusing to leave.

From that of course, it’s only natural for me to strongly desire to be able to beat this cat with the same monkey wrench it so intensely loves throwing into my lesson plans all the time.

It’s only natural that teaching English has strengthened my awareness of stupid idioms, but not at all discouraged their use. Clearly.^^

It’s only natural that when you order ethnic food in Russia, it will taste like Russian food. No matter what. Also, pizza and sushi are almost always sold at the same restaurant. Naturally.

It’s only natural that, although whenever I’m at Misha’s he offers us nothing but beer, nothing in a beer bottle in his house is to be assumed to actually contain beer. Lesson learned.

Further on the topic of past hosts, it’s only natural that when I complained to Lena (my 23 year old host who insisted on holding my hand every time we crossed a street and once woke me up at 8am to grate a giant stump of carrot) that there was no food at my next host’s home, she responded by saying “I am ashamed of my countryman” and swiftly wrote him an angry message/essay on what it means to be a proper Russian host (which naturally only shamed me).

To be honest though, this guy wasn’t a great host. To him it was seemingly natural to wait until I came home from a long day in the sun, ready to shower and fall asleep immediately, to tell me, “Oh by the way, I’m leaving for Petersburg tomorrow, so you have to pack your bags. You’re moving out in an hour.”

While it’s possible that he warned me of this earlier in the week, it’s only natural that the details of the plan were lost somewhere in my attempted translation of his convoluted use of a language I’m pretty sure he just made up. Someone needs to tell him that mixing Russian with English, Spanish, and Bob Marley is not in fact natural, and he needs to cut that shit out. Because it makes no sense and I hate it.

Finally, it's only natural to reward those of you who put up with this post with some pictures of nothing other than RUSSIAN NATURE. It's only natural.. (I swear I'm done now)

 Oh yeah, Russia, yeah.